loaded and alone - ~ - ~ - Alexis Ryder~)()()(

[rolandmendraka]

The wind was howling and raging against his upper torso, the chill rocked him to the core, as he was looking up at the sky. How long had it been since he had been back to this part in London? Only he knew the answer to that one, and felt like a portion of him had been left behind when he had dropped his journal around when he had ventured near the Forbidden Forest outside of Hogwarts. Luckily, he was hoping one of the students or one of the faculty there would find it and return it to the proper authorities. A cowl hid his brown curly locks while his high cheekbones brought out his slightly full lips on the verge of being a little thinner than most. The angular figure of his face gave him a more rugged, handsome appeal.

Almost knocking his hood backwards, his eyes looked forward towards the house in the distance that he had regretted leaving in the first place. Now he knew that the ministry would be after him anytime since his last little fiasco with another dealer that had gone awry. Having figured out his identity, he now needed a fortress to hide in. There was no more running for him, however, he had dealt with the one wizard chasing him already. It was the fact that this wizard had a tie with the Ministry of Magic it seemed. Luckily, Roland had carried evidence against that certain wizard with him, but it had been cracked along the way to create a trail of blood to where he walked towards a nearby lake.

Leaving no evidence of what happened to the vial, he had tossed it into the lake to make his where-a-bouts still unknown. The bag on his back was full of the money he had earned, and didn't want to buy this person's love off of her. There would be much to talk about after she realized who he was, but it would be hard to tell with the mask he was wearing. Roland wasn't proud of the fact he had donned a death-eater's mask to hide his identity or that's what it would look like at first glance. Then if you looked closer it was just a scary tiger mask with fangs on it to give it a much different appearance, but it was dark enough to give the impression of the death-eater's mask. Pulling it off his face, there was a rugged beard on his chin that hadn't been touched in at least fifteen years.

Having let it grow out for this whole time, Roland's disheveled appearance hopefully wouldn't throw Alexis off, as he remembered that this was where she lived. Resent would be the first thing he was expecting from his former classmate, and tears had welled up in his eyes for the longest time the first time he had thought about her just a year ago. Roland's heart had been empty and his life devoid of any emotion since he realized how much he needed his friends now. No human contact for even just one year was too much to bear alone, even with all the money in the world, that couldn't buy what he had before he had gone away from Hogwarts in rage for the death of his brother. Still debating if he wanted to go up and knock on her door to say hello, to catch up.

Still dreading the first words that would leave her mouth when he came up to the door, but he figured he should at least man up to speak to her. It was the least he could do for just deserting her like he had to his other friends as well, and guilt had built up within him for so long. Carrying an entire weight of it on his shoulders and how relieved he would be to get it off of them. Brown eyes continued to gaze at the door that had lights on, and he knew that she was home. Having been watching her for the last week in his tiger form, but he had remained hidden until one day he'd finally work up the courage to speak to her again. Letting his rugged features move forward, the brown cloak that covered his entire figure gave him the delusion that he may be a Dementor headed towards her place.

Once he got closer to the door-step it was clear that he was just a regular human, but he wasn't going to remove the mask just yet. Then finally lifted it up as he then put it on his shoulder as money jiggled within the back-pack on his back, and the rest of his items were held in the bag. Having used a spell to make everything fit within the bag easily, since he didn't want to lug it around everywhere without knowing what was in it. Using a charm to at least make it a manageable version of a bag that he could pull out almost anything from. Underneath he wore a regal white shirt, and black dress pants with pointy black dress shoes. Pursing his lips lightly, his hand moved up to the door and then rapped three times with his fist on it. Now was the moment of truth that he would get to see Alexis again.

What was her reaction going to be? Would she scold him? Was he going to regret doing this for just showing up out of the blue without a trace of his where-a-bouts? Would she believe his story about why he disappeared? Would she still hold the same feelings that he had for her way back then? The main question that was plaguing him, however, was if she'd accept him back into her life? Shaking his head of these thoughts he would soon find out.

Notes; Ugh, 999 words, wow, I'm not doing that again..xD This character gives me so much inspiration sometimes.
Lyrics; "Loaded and Alone" - Hinder

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[lexi]

Something was watching her, and she had been having the same feeling for the past week. Who on earth would be interesting in watching her. Sure she was young to be the hospital director but she thought the reporters had finished with her story long ago. Was someone trying to catch her out and possibly frame her for something? Sitting at the meeting at work, she listened to some of the staff drabble on about how things could improve.
"I'll put an extra staff member on each ward on the night shifts at that should hopefully reduce your load and allow you an hour's break for sleep," she finally spoke up, "will that be sufficient?" She watched as the healer that had been talking before blink before eventually nodding once. Good she thought as she inked the note onto her piece of parchment.
"Is there anything else that needs to be brought to my attention?" she asked, looking around the room, hoping there wasn’t any and that the healers could get out and start their shifts. No one said anything, a few even shook their heads. She was tempted to say meeting adjourned, but thought against it.
"Alright, I’ll try and have everything done by the end of next week," she shook, grabbing her parchment and walking out of the room and up to her office.

Alexis sighed as she sunk into her chair. That feeling hadn’t gone away and maybe she figured she was better off safe in the presence of other people, safety in numbers right. She regretted leaving the comfort of her chair as she left her office, locking it shut with a couple of spells before making her way down to her old ward, washing her hands before throwing herself into physical work. It was exhausting but she felt good about it, not many could say the head of a company would get their hands dirty like she did. Waving to a healer close by, she washed her hands yet again before heading back to her office where she grabbed her things, locked the room again and headed home.

Apparating into the small backyard of her place, she hardly ever used the front door. As she opened the door, she was greeted by her owl, swooping down to land on her shoulder whilst nibbling affectionately on her ear. She couldn’t help but laugh, her owl was the one that often kept her company on the long lonely nights.
"Ok, ok, I’ll feed you," she smiled as she dropped her bag and cloak on the table before moving to the cupboard, pulling out a handful of seeds, watching the owl hop down her arm to nibble at the seeds greedily. Taking the box she moved over to the perch and tip more into the empty bowl.
"Now Alec don’t eat them all at once this time," she instructed the bird, knowing her words weren’t going to mean a thing. Alexis yawned before moving towards the bathroom, hoping a nice hot shower would at least keep her awake for another few hours.

Wrapping a bathrobe over her damp, dressed figure, she moved to the window, pushing the curtains back a bit to peer out into the darkness. Something or someone was still watching her and she hated the feeling. Letting the curtain fall back into place she moved back into the kitchen and pulled leftover soup out of the fridge, heating it up before taking it to the table where she begun to eat at a slow pace, savouring the bacon and potato flavour. With a flick of her wrist the bowl flew to the sink, washed and dried itself before placing itself back where it belonged. She hadn’t taken a step when a knock was heard at the door. She jumped, wrapping the robe around her tighter. Who would be knocking at her door at a time like this? Was it the person who had been well stalking her, did he or she know she was alone here. She gulped as she took tentative steps towards the door, her owl squawking once in warning as he tilted his head at her.
"Shh," she scolded the bird. Reaching out she unlocked the front door before turning the handle and opening it slightly, poking her head out.
"May I help you?" she asked, her eyes sweeping over the person.
"Look, if you're the one that’s been following me for the past week, then you're wasting your time with whatever you’re after," she hissed at him, ready to close the door once more before noticing his face. Unshaven, looking almost like he was a homeless person. Oh great she thought, just what she needed. He looked like a charity case and she wasn’t in the mood to share her home with a stranger right now.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland wasn't surprised when he didn't recognize her but he did bathe every day. Deciding it would be best if he actually shaved his face right then and there, however, realized how rude that was. Even after having worked up the courage to get this far, he was slightly take aback that she didn't even recognize him with his beard and the fact he had actually came up to her door-step to apologize. Well, that was his case at first, but his anger wasn't showing in his face, it was his eyes that told everything about him. The intelligence that unwittingly belied the outer exterior to a world that knew him as gone to the world, and many had ignored the fact he had disappeared. This person, was just another case he figured, but she deserved to know the truth.

As well as what he has done to gain a reputation with the name, "Rolo" that had been spoken in whispers on many different occasions. The same person that had been watching her was now on her door-step not having said a word since it opened. Now looking at her face as if remembering a time back when they laughed together, and then he pulled back the hood slowly. Slightly still disheartened she didn't remember him, but he also had to remember that had been over fifteen years since she last saw him. Having been in he same house, he wondered if she had even mourned him disappearing as well. Roland was expecting a slap to the face as the hood revealed his eyes, and that usual genuine smile as he then started to beam at her.

Alexis had always been one to not welcome visitors easily, and he was no exception it seemed. Having to earn her trust again would be hard to do, but he knew that he had interrupted her at a bad time. Should he come back later when she was properly dressed and could defend herself in case he wanted to do some horrible deed to her. No, he wasn't like that, he just stood there contemplating what he could say that would make her understand he meant no harm. There was only one thing he could say as his deep, low voice carried recognition with it most likely not wanting to make her close the door on his face. An apology was all he could give, "I'm sorry, don't you recognize me? I am so sorry for not telling you where I was...I would understand if you wanted to turn me away, but I'm here to explain why I disappeared for over fifteen years," finishing that sentence, his eyes widened a little.

Alexis surely had grown beautiful over the time he had been away, and he still loved her appearance even at this moment in time. Of course, he knew that with time she would eventually open up to him again, so right now he backed away a little to give her time to think over in her mind who he could be. As he hadn't mentioned a name, but he knew who she was. There was only one other person she knew that could turn into a tiger and maintain it without becoming the animal itself for over a week. There had been one instance he had tried to stay hidden, but she ended up spotting him within a tree lounging outside of her work place.

Having been shooed off as he didn't want to risk getting caught by anyone, plus it was probably also strange that she might have seen the tiger lounging there. The same one fifteen years ago, and he had shown her his animagus form at that point before he disappeared too.

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[lexi]

She hadn’t realised exactly how cold the temperature had gotten and now the chill was biting at her hands and face, the long white robe was attempting to keep her warm, yet she could still feel the cold through it. She wanted to shut the door and attempt to get warm again, perhaps she should simply use a warming charm, but then that took the fun out of curling up in bed for warmth whilst reading one of the many books she had. Was this guy going to stand there and say nothing. She wanted to close the door, if he had nothing to say then what was the point in letting all the cold air into her home.

Alexis rested her hand on the door handle, ready to take a step back and close it when she noticed movement in front of her. He was taking off the hood. No matter how many years it had been she would never forget those eyes
She took a sharp intake of air as she gasped, her head shaking slightly back and forth.
"You're dead," she whispered as she felt the pressure of tears build up in her eyes.
"You're supposed to be dead," she said it louder this time, feeling the warm salty drops finally roll down her cheeks before she brought her hand to cover her mouth. This had to be a trick. Someone had found out that she had been friends with him back in school, maybe the papers had found out and was now trying to get her reaction, find out her weaknesses. Oh god this wasn’t real. Maybe she had fallen asleep at the table, please oh please let it be that, she thought as she took a step back, gulping. She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them that it was someone else standing at her door. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes and found he was still there. Why was he here, if it was him, how on earth was he back from the grave? She had even tried contacting his parents when she hadn’t heard from him and all they had said was he was dead. Maybe they had misunderstood her and she had hoped they had. There hadn’t been a single day she hadn’t thought of him and after a while she figured they must have been telling the truth, why would someone want to disappear from their friends and family for so long?

He spoke and with that voice she knew it wasn’t a trick, it wasn’t her imagination playing games with her. He was on her doorstep, years later and apologising. She didn’t know what to do, she wanted to hit him, hug him and slam the door in his face. She couldn’t decide which would have been the better option. She stared up at him, how times had changed. How did he even know where she lived now? She had moved ages ago. She had gotten on with her life, threw herself into studying and she got to her dream job because of it. Taking a deep breath, her eyes narrowed.
"How dare you," she clenched her teeth as she opened the door further and stalked up to him, her hands curling into fists.
"How dare you show up over fifteen years later with just an apology," she spoke, hitting his chest over and over with her fists before she eventually wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his shirt, not caring that her tears would leave wet patches.
"Everyone thought you were dead," her voice was muffled by his shirt. Merlin it felt good to hold him again, to feel him and to know he was in fact alive. But that didn’t mean she was going to let him off that easy, he had some serious explaining to do.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland's intial reaction was not shock, nor was it comfort, merely a stone-cold gaze that set into her eyes as he realized what she had said. His parents must have told everyone that he was dead, but he didn't let that concern him right now. He would deal with his father and mother at a later date, right now he was going to make sure this didn't end at all. Moving his arms around her he then realized just how long it had been since he had felt his good friend's touch. There was nothing more relaxing than her touch, however, he was getting a little cold plus he decided they should at least move inside if she was getting cold. The way she hugged him, he could tell she had missed him a lot, but the only way he even knew where she lived was due to the fact he had been searching for her for so long. That week he had been stalking her was to actually make sure it really was her, although he supposed he should have showed up sooner.

Appearing out of the blue like this was uncalled for, and he knew that her tears brought a smile to his face. A reaction he wanted to see for a change instead of being cast aside like he was dead to the world, sighing softly as he realized what he was about to tell her. His voice was hollow as he was about to even mention the one family he thought he had, but it was obvious he hated them with a cold rage that had built up over the many years due to his wandering. The time to think over such actions, usually took one's life over the other, however, he blamed his father for every inch of his brother's death. It was just two months or so after the anniversary of his brother's death fifteen years ago, but he had not mourned him.

No, in fact, he had belittled his father on that day, and even visited home to show he was well enough alive. Leaving only a keep-sake of "One-Eyed" Jack's personal belongings to show his debt had been paid. Roland hadn't even said hello to them, but his voice soon started to speak in his hollow voice,"I wouldn't be surprised if my so-called parents said I was dead honestly, but yes I'm here now. I'm so sorry for how long I've been gone. There's actually, a really really good explanation for why I left, something I've been blamed for by my father ever since the event happened," he said to her his voice growing slightly more emotional.

There was a slight tear streak down his face as he realized he really hadn't honestly spoken to this about anyone since the incident. Even crying when he had buried his brother in the front yard, but it had been covered by grass now. Alexis would at least be the one person to understand why he had left in the first place, considering he was a little unstable right now facing his friend as he held her closer. Then let out a few sniffles as it was obvious he had longed to hold her in his arms again too feeling her warmth. "Let's go inside before you get cold, and I will tell you the whole story," he continued after moving away so that he could get a good look at her.

Just like he had remembered her, beautiful and intelligent. Plus he should have at least sent letters to her, and had regretted it to this day as he looked at her with one of those lost puppy looks. Yet, when he gazed at her his smile returned as he forgot about his brother for that moment, except he knew that he would never back that part of his life. Still, he planned on giving his father a long scolding talk when he went back home, and his mother was probably missing him while it was just his father forbidding her from seeing her only remaining son.

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[lexi]

If only she could freeze time, she would freeze it at that very moment, tears and all. Over fifteen years, she thought, they deserved a long overdue hug in which she didn’t plan on letting go just yet. Why couldn’t he have come to her and she would have gladly gone with him, wherever he had gone. She would have been able to help him, heal any wounds he had gotten, or any that she may have as well. But no instead he had left her to get on with her life with a wound she nor anyone but him could heal. Maybe he didn’t love her enough to consider taking her. Oh she would have dropped everything, said goodbye to her parents and siblings and left, thinking of it as a great new adventure even if he deemed it too dangerous. Instead she got to become what she wanted to be, she got her dream job but at the expense of living the almost boring and mundane life she hoped she'd never live. Eat, sleep, go to work, it had all become a routine to her, where was the fun in that, something she didn’t think she'd have. How times really did change things.

Alexis wanted to melt right then and there at his sorry, well at his voice, but she couldn’t, she wouldn’t accept it right on the stop. She was left angry, hurt and rejected when he disappeared. Sure many had asked her on a date, but she turned them all down. She honestly had no idea why she did until now. She still loved this guy, no matter the hell he had put her and his friends through. Had he stopped by his friends yet, did they know he was back? Even though he said he was back, she wondered how long he'd stay, maybe he just wanted to see everyone before disappearing from the world for another 15 years. She didn’t think she'd be able to live through that pain all over again.

Blamed by his father, now that was something new. Had he simply ran away from home, been disowned by his parents, was that what they meant when they said he was dead, that they didn’t consider him a son? She had taken it the literal way though; she was sure many had as well. He had an explanation and she was very tempted to demand for him to explain right then and there in the cold, although she didn’t feel the cold much, his warmth seemed to have driven it away from her body. She took a step closer, adjusting her arms so she clung to him tighter. Her tears had subsided and she knew her eyes would be red and puffy, something no female wanted anyone to see, so she kept her face buried.

He spoke about going inside before stepping back. She didn’t want to let go, but reluctantly let her arms slide back down to her side, already missing his warmth. She lifted her face to look at him before glancing up and down the street. Good no one saw watching, nothing seemed to be lurking in the shadows and so she nodded and turned, walking back inside, holding the door open for him. She was afraid that if she spoke at that moment, more tears would follow.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland shook his head, no one would understand his pain, and he knew that she would at least be able to console him, instantly deciding whether standing out here or not would have been a better idea than going in. Vaguely going over and over in his head what he wanted to say making sure he didn't want to leave anything else out of what his past accomplishments had been. Finally revealing that he had missed her just as much, if not more, since he had been devoid of his friends and human contact that he could actually tolerate for the last fifteen years as well. It was different being able to actually talk to someone without being scolded or scared off into being blamed for his brother's death.

The person responsible for it had been dealt with, but everyone had trouble with their families every so often. Once he was inside, he made sure to close the door behind him as he then shook his head, running a hand through his hair obviously troubled about it. "I haven't told anyone about this at all, only my parents know why I left, but please don't tell anyone else. I want to be the one to do it, I have to atone for disappearing like that without a trace. I should have at least gone to you first before I left, except I knew that somehow you would have come with me no matter what I did or tried to beg you to stay...I didn't want you living like I did," he said to her, still covering up what he was trying to tell her.

First, he wanted some water as he looked around her place, unsure of where everything was since she had just moved here not too long ago it seemed. Then again, he'd eventually find the kitchen, however, he soon started to speak in a softer tone as he was calming down visibly. Now becoming calm and collective as he usually was as he didn't want his emotions getting the best of him. The money had been nice for the time he had been out on his jobs, but Roland was considering giving up that career to actually live a mundane life just like Alexis had. Of course, being on the run was never as fun as it's cracked up to be. Looking around and behind him to make sure the coast was clear as he opened the door just a little before moving on to wherever the kitchen was.

"I'm sorry, I need a glass of water, I'm parched, and I have had I'd say the longest, eventful journey, it will be hard to explain in just one sitting," he mentioned soon starting to take off the cloak and his clothes weren't actually too dirty since he tried to keep up on cleaning them. Still considering what her feelings were for him now, but realized he hadn't even said why he was here in the first place. In some deep place in his heart he still loved her, and had not even looked at another woman on his travels, always thinking back to how he screwed up leaving Alexis behind...well now was his time to atone for that.

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[lexi]

She left the door, unsure if he was actually going to come in or not, to sit on the arm rest of a comfy chair. She crossed her arms in front of her, only because she had nothing to do with her hands. It was strange having someone in her house other than her family. She probably looked a mess right about now, dressed in a bathroom with thin pyjamas underneath, her hair was still dump and messy from the shower and to top that off her eyes were red and puffy. She probably looked like a charity case herself. She sighed softly as she heard the door close. Looking up, she couldn’t help the faint smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. Once more she let her eyes roam him, now in the light she had a better view of him. His appearance wasn’t as bad as what she had first thought out in the dark, although in her opinion his bread seemed to make him look older. Maybe that was the whole idea of it, or maybe he had simply been too lazy to shave. This was the man she had once loved and still did, that was the one thing that time hadn’t changed.

She felt the frown as he spoke. So his parents knew why he left, they had lied to her and to everyone. Why would they lie to his friends when all they shown was worry and concern for him, did they simply not care what happened to him anymore.
"I won’t say anything," she nodded once. It wasn’t her secret and story to tell and she knew he'd eventually tell everyone, after all he wouldn’t be here if he wouldn’t right? She heard the rustling of feathers before the familiar weight on her shoulders as her owl landed on her. She ignored him as she listen to Roland. She chuckled, how right he was, she would have gone with him, she wasn’t one to be told what to do, well more likely she tended to do the opposite of what people said.
"But then you wouldn’t have lived alone, you'd have had someone to talk to and keep you company. I know what that’s like though, all I’ve had is my owl for company, I left my family for my career." She tried comparing their situations, even though he's had been longer, she had an inkling of what he had felt, the first few months living away from home was the worst she had felt, she had missed her family terribly. Now her siblings had moved out of their parents home, it seemed like she never got to see them as often as she liked. Then again her job kept her pretty busy.

It felt like he was trying to put off explaining to her and it got on her nerves. Why couldn’t he simply sit down, open his mouth and tell her, what was so bad about it that made him hesitant? Her eyes followed him before she got up and followed him. What was he doing, she thought before hearing him. Oh a glass of water, well why didn’t he say so in the first place. Waving her hand, she heard a cupboard open, tap running before watching a glass fly towards her, the water splashing around yet not a drop spilt. Grabbing it, she held it out to him.
"Here," she spoke softly, her eyes never leaving him. It was just too surreal, he was here in her house and it looked like he belonged, like he had simply come home from a hard day’s work.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland was already considering the story he had tried to develop in his mind to make people think this was just a normal case of disappearing. This wasn't something that went to his heart, but in reality, he was hurting with the loss of his own brother. The one kin he had actually taught to ride a broom on that fateful day and the thought of it was already making him sob a little at that fact. Roland's eyes were tired from all the crying he had done on the day his brother died and it was the same day right after he had left Hogwarts. No warning, no sign of anything from anyone, and he knew his parents hadn't said anything to anyone as soon as he mentioned what they had done.

Drinking the glass of water and then smiling warmly to her as he soon moved towards the garbage dragging his hand across his face shaving right there on the spot. Hair falling automatically into the garbage as he carved his face so that he was actually clean-shaven, and his rugged appearance probably looked that much smoother. Soon after the next few gulps of water he motioned for her to sit down as it was a long story, "Well, you already know about me disappearing from life entirely, but as for what really happened...well it was fifteen years ago when I had just gotten a call about some people owing money to my father. Yeah, this is where it's going already, my father was dealing with a black market dealer who sold dragon eggs for his own gain...which as you know is higly against the law," he said to her. Hoping she would take this in easily, and how Roland knew this was only due to the fact he had gone up to the man himself...tore out his throat with his fangs.

That had solved many people's problems, and Roland left no evidence of it being anything else but a vicious assault from a wild animal. Making sure there were no traces of magic at all either being used in that building. Getting side-tracked from his story, he spoke up once more, "I had found out about this trade ordeal and confronted my father. I was warned not to do anything about the money that he owed, or the fact that he was using my own kin as a trading chip. My brother of all people was being threatened by my father into a deal involving money. That's all it was, my brother for money to have him grow up as an illegal breeder. I stated against it rather highly, and put my foot down, my father denied my requests so I decided to take action on my own," once more the water slid down his throat as he had been parched from his journey.

"Well, anyways, as I was saying, basically I ended up figuring out there were people stalking our house as our father owed this guy money already. So, I decided to take them all out one day after Hogwarts the day before I disappeared, then sent them back to their destination stunned with a note tagged on it saying to leave our family alone. I know that was a dumb idea at the time, but I was furious my father wasn't going to do anything about it. The next day, I'm playing outside with my brother, and I realized I wanted to teach him how to fly, I let him fly on the broom for a bit. When I went back inside to fetch some water for him, and when I came back out he was gone. That was when everything went wrong...a few hours later, I heard a knock at the door, no one was there. Then when I looked outside the window, I was in tears, my brother had been hanged on the front yard on a tree...in warning...I buried him myself, and my father blames me for his death. My mother doesn't argue with my father since she doesn't want to get on his bad side, but I revealed the information to my mother that my father was working with an illegal trader...I did that anonymously to get back at my father," when he finished speaking he sighed softly, the tears now streaming down his face at that moment in time.

The pain he had endured the last fifteen years carrying it on his shoulder was finally catching up to him. Even when he thought he had cried his heart out, remembering the way it felt having to get his body off of the tree branch, rage had shook his body the entire time he had done it. "As for the illegal dealer, he's dead too, I made sure of it, no one will know who did it," he said with a cold, distant voice that could chill anyone to the bone if he didn't know how serious he was being just then. Then he smiled as he looked up towards her glad she was the first one to hear his story, "I really hope this gets easier to tell with other people, you're the first one I've told about this incident in fifteen years, well besides writing in my journal that I've somehow lost," he added. Holding up at least what looked like six pages that were torn out from said journal, but then put them back in his pocket.

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[lexi]

Lexi watched him move to her bin, taking away the beard making him look much younger than what he had appeared, well that was what she thought anyways. Seeing his gesture towards a seat, she sighed softly before moving to the seat, getting herself comfortable. Well now what, she thought, was he finally going to tell her, or was he simply going to make up more excuses to avoid having to tell her. But as soon at that thought passed in her head, he started talking. She sat, fixated on his words, finally getting some light shed on hiss mysterious disappearance.

People owed money to others for many reasons and she had thought of it as anything illegal until he said those words: black market, dragon eggs, against the law. Of course everyone knew that dragon eggs were a highly illegal trade item, the amount of burns she had seen from them made her understand exactly why they were illegal, why no one could keep them as pets. Alright so his father had gone against the law, sold dragon eggs and yet still owed money. She had a feeling that she wasn’t going to like where this was going. She simply nodded once, wanting him to go on. She bit her lip, she was right, that little gut feeling was always right. What sort of parent would want to use their own child like that, it was...well it was just wrong. Where was the kid's free will, or did his father only see the dollar signs in his eyes. Which led her to the next question that had formed into her mind, why hadn’t Roland simply packed up him and his brother and left, heck her parents would have taken them in if she had asked them too, what was 2 extra mouths to feed when it was a largish family already? Take action on his own, she definitely didn’t like the sound of that yet she stayed silent, waiting to hear more of the story.

She raised her hand to her mouth, oh Merlin what sick people done that, killed a child and hung them up, what sort of people had his family been dealing with. Death was one thing a healer hated and tried preventing, even in surgery when it seemed hopeless, they always prayed for a miracle and most of the time they got it. And then he continued saying that his father blamed him? She could see both sides of the story, both were at fault, Roland for sending that note and his father for dealing with dragon eggs.

A shiver went down her spine as he spoke about the dealer and him being dead. So much death in his life already. What did he mean that no one would know who killed the dealer. And then it hit her, she had a killer in her house. She gulped and forced herself not to panic, the Roland she knew who never have hurt a fly but then this wasn’t the Roland she knew, what he was telling her was a completely different guy. She lowered her head, not wanting to meet his eyes as the word killer flashed through her mind. How in the world was this going to be easier to tell, she wondered. Just because he had told one person didn’t mean it would get easier, the more people who knew meant the more chances of him being captured were increased, that was if the ministry was still looking for the murderer of the dealer. Lexi heard the rustling of parchment but kept her eyes down. What was she to do?
"I want to say that everything would be alright, that it’s going to be fine, but how would we know if it’s going to be," she spoke, not really sure if she meant about him and his life or if she meant about their past and possibly their future. A tear once more slid down her cheek, now where had that come from, she thought she had finished with the crying. Damn him for coming back and playing with her emotions, making her want to hit him and hug him at the same time, to hate him and love him.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland really didn't like having the weight on his shoulders, but once he unloaded his story it was easier to bear. Also, that death in front of him had made him snap, but he doubted Alexis would understand the rage he felt when he met the dealer. "I lost all sense of judgment when I was in front of the main dealer himself, and forgot that I didn't want to turn into a murderer. Of course, there had been so many other people that had died cause of him, and if he kept doing what he was doing...I had already destroyed his business. Why didn't I think that was enough? Did I really want him to die like that? I ask these questions all the time, and it's been two years since that happened. I honestly can't come to terms with myself anymore, and realize I should at least...fess up to the Ministry. Tell them what I've done, and turn myself in to see what they deem worthy of a fitting punishment. It's not like I can say I did it out of self-defense.

The funny part is that the dealer was an illegal breeder, but we already covered that. Plus he was actually a wizard too, shocking, but given my earlier judgments from before...it was easy to tell. As for everything going to be alright, I'm going to make it alright," he said softly to her. Then he was standing up in case she wanted to hug him or make him disappear from her life again forever. There was something in his eyes that showed remorse, and plenty of guilt as he was now looking down at the ground slightly. Not even wanting to meet her eyes since he knew that somewhere deep inside her she should cast him out of her life, and that's what his father had done.

Even in the end, he was still here apologizing, and that took a lot of bravery as well as stupidity to actually show up on an old friend's doorstep barely having any information about what he was going to turn in. That was Roland's problem, he needed to find the rest of his journal to actually use that as evidence for the many dealings he had with the clients of the so-called "One-Eyed Jack" that had been going on for at least thirteen years or so. Perhaps he should tell Alexis about that too, how he had a whole system set up around London that went all the way out to Germany and France. Roland had seen most of the entire country from having interrupted many of the trade routes, and certainly didn't seize any of the eggs as he made it known to destroy any hybrid eggs he saw.

There was only one wizard he hadn't heard a thing about, and it was in that one forest he dare not go near. One wizard had gone there a week ago, and had never returned. Seriously, the place was sinister itself, but he shook his head of those thoughts. Sighing softly he soon looked up to Alexis again, pausing a little, "I'm not really asking for forgiveness, I just want someone to know...that I've been in my own hell for the past fifteen years, and I'm sorry to have put you through this all. I really liked you, and shouldn't have just blew off to do this on my own. We would've figured out a better way to have this all end, but I can't see any other option for myself," he finished speaking...letting her take in what he said.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[lexi]

Forgot that he didn’t want to become a murderer. How in the world did someone simply forget that? Merlins he knew she'd never forget, wouldn’t it have been nagging on his mind, that killing someone, anyone meant becoming a murderer. Her chest tightened. She had a murderer in her house and she was alone with nothing but her owl to go for help. Turning her head to the bird, she wondered if she should send him off to Kit's now. No, if Roland wanted to kill her, wouldn’t he have already attempted to do so the first instant he stepped into her house. Besides she couldn’t see any reason why he would want to hurt her like that. She was overreacting, that’s all. Her healer's mind had taken over and was working itself up. She needed to slow her heart race down and so she focused on her breathing. Deep breath in, slowly letting it out, repeating it til she felt better and more rational.

Go to the ministry, she knew he should, she knew he had to but as her mind got over the idea of having a murderer in her house, she begun to work through the information he had given her. He said that no one would have known it was him, that he left no trace of his presence ever being near the death. So why did he have to turn himself in other than guilt? He had lived with the guilt for so long now, surely he would have learnt to deal with it otherwise wouldn’t he have turned himself in long ago? And what did he mean by he was going to make it alright?

And then he said it, the words she wished he had said all those years ago. It always made her wonder if he truly liked her or if he just thought of her a friend. Now she had the answer to that question. He liked her, wait he had used past tense, did he not care anymore, had he completely shut off his emotions. Liked, not like. She sighed a heavy sigh before forcing her eyes to look at him. He looked so...sad, guilty and sorry for doing what he had done and it gnawed at her. She couldn’t simply throw him out, she knew she couldn’t get rid of him. She was a healer and in front of her was the resemblance of a broken man, she couldn’t turn her back on him, she couldn’t do what he had done all those years ago.
"Forgiveness is something I don’t give easily nor do I trust easily again, but friends don’t abandon friends in times of need, true friends don’t do what you had done to us. I'll help you, if you let me."

[/color][/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[rolandmendraka]

Roland was just looking at Alexis with pity, and somehow he felt like he shouldn't be here in the first place. So he just kept to himself for a moment or two to regain his thoughts, and then finally spoke up to her. "I'm afraid I won't be able to stay too long since I want to get to the Ministry at least a week from now, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I know there are no words or thoughts that I can say or think now that I will save me, or even actions. I feel dread every time I think of leaving you again Alexis, I didn't want you to be interested in anyone else but me, and I still feel that way. I really like you, and always will," he admitted this time, not wanting to toy with her feelings even though he was sure he had sent her on a roller coaster of emotions in this one moment that he had actually visited. A lot of people would be immensely upset with him after what had happened, and some others would be completely understanding.

Toying with a woman's emotions was definitely not like Roland at all and he didn't want to be seen that way right now. All he wanted was to find someone who actually cared about him in return, and didn't just let him go back out on the streets. Roland was hopingi his father had gotten what he deserved as he had gave a notice to the police he had been doing illegal trades with this dealer he had got rid of. Once that was settled, his mother would move back into the vacant house to once again start up the household without the help of his father no less. Sure, it would be harder on her, but he was sure she was crying her tears out thinking Roland was dead as well. Among most of his peers, Alexis was the first one that came to mind.

The next would have obviously been her brother, Kit, or Scarlett, one of his old best friends. They definitely had clicked back then, however, he had terminated the relationship before their final year started. Well Scarlett was still at least around the same age as him but he figured they were better off as friends in the long run. Memories flooded his mind as the tears continued to stream down his cheeks unable to stop thinking that he had betrayed everyone's trust. In one case, he had and the other he had stopped people from joining him on his insane quest as he knew the appealing idea of adventure would have entrhalled many of his companions. Of course no one even knew about the death of his brother as his parents had kept it rather well hidden too.

Heck, even moving the grave site was a major burden to him, "Oh, and I buried my brother by myself with my hands. later on they had moved it to an actual graveyard. Sure I respect them for doing that, but there was no trace of a hole even being dug nor was the broom I got him on the grave itself," he added soon wiping away a few stray tears while he sat there, then finally bucking up as he let out a weak smile. Roland's soul had been more than just broken it was tainted unless someone pulled him back to the good side as he would have been considered a dark wizard by anyone's standards for doing vigilante justice his way.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[lexi]

He what? Her mind screamed at her, he was going to go to the ministry in a week’s time. He couldn’t stay for too long. Oh how dare he, she had the urge to go right up to him and slap him across the face. How dare he come back, tell her that he had liked her and that he always would like her and then decide to her again. She would not stand for this, how would she be able to pull herself through this one, she wondered. Before she knew it, she had stood and was walking firmly towards him, stopping in front of him before raising a hand and slapping him hand across the face. It was only after she made contact with his skin that she realised what she had done. Funny thing was, it had felt good to do it and there was no way she was going to apologise. He deserved many more slaps, in fact he deserved more than slaps.
"How dare you," she hissed at him through clenched teeth, "How dare you come here telling me everything and then decided to leave to go to the ministry." Angry seeped through her words.
"You want to toy with someone's feelings, go right ahead, but leave mine the hell alone," she turned on her heels and stalked over to the sink, grabbing a pan and pouring milk into it. She needed to keep herself busy and she figured she might as well make herself a warm drink, hot chocolate.

She seethed silently as she forced her hands to stop shaking as she stirred the milk. Grabbing some chocolate, she broke some pieces up and placed them in the milk, watching as the pieces melted before pouring the drink into a couple of mugs. He spoke again, going on about his brother and as she turned her head to look at him, she sloshed hot chocolate over her hand. Wincing she stuck the pot into the sink before rinsing the chocolate off her hands, inspecting the burn before muttering a healing spell, watching the skin go from red, almost blistering skin back to the smooth pale skin.

Grabbing the mugs, she moved back to him, setting it down on the next near him before moving back to her seat, cupping her hands around her own mug for warmth and comfort. Did he even hear a single word she had said, perhaps not and so she repeated her words.
"Look I said I’d help you if you want."

[rolandmendraka]

Roland didn't understand what she meant when she said help him out, but he then realized what he had just done. Saying the wrong thing would have been the worst of all of this, however, he was taken aback as the slap came to his face. Not moving away or even hesitating in the least bit he looked away from her for a little as resentment came to his eyes for coming here. Sure, she wanted to help him, but he felt like he was stepping all over her again, why on Earth would anyone want to shelter him. Even though he knew the Ministry would eventually find him if they got the contents of his journal, and he had forgotten to mention that.

"Well, if you want to help me, you should know that I dropped my journal a while back by accident, not on purpose, although I did take out some pages on purpose to prevent people from learning about my brother's death. It's still a rather sensitive subject, and I plan on letting no one else's siblings ever get hurt again. I will allow you to help me, but what can I do to make it up to you for all the times I've been gone? I can disappear again if you want me to, I promise to always keep in contact with you from now on," he said softly handing her the first few pages of his journal not wanting to hold on to them anymore. Reading it for her own sake, even the part about his love for her, but he wasn't going to give up the others just yet.

Sighing softly he rubbed his cheek lightly where she had smacked him, and the red imprint that had been left up there didn't make him cry at all. It was obvious he had done his fair share of crying over the many years on his brother's death day. Even that anniversary was hard to avoid at times, right now it had been three months or more since the 15th anniversary of his brother's death. It was hard to cope with all of this stuff going on, and he was finally understanding why he should have come back sooner. No one had revealed any information about his brother, and some barely even knew his brother since he hadn't even been to Hogwarts.

Only Alexis knew about his younger brother when they had been kids in Hogwarts and finally finishing up school too. She had even met him just once, and now she would never meet him again, as he finally just stayed where he was remaining silent until she spoke again.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[lexi]

She sighed into her cup. It was a relief to know he would allow her to help him and for a moment it seemed like everything was perfect in the world again, until he suggested that he could disappear again, but remain in contact. Her dark eyes shot up from her cup to look at him. Did he think he would get away from her that easy, that he'd be able to come back into her life, say what he had to say and disappear yet remain in contact? She wanted to beat some sense into him, yet she caught sight of the red mark she had already left behind. Her mark, she thought, smiling on the inside. So what could he do to make up for all the years lost between them?

She reached up and ran a hand through her hair, thinking. She wasn’t going to let him get away but did that mean she wanted him to stay with her? Wouldn’t that be too soon, she wondered. More than likely it seemed like he wouldn’t accept her offer, but everything was worth a try. Well perhaps she need not ask but simply ask. Her eyes darted to his belongings before back to his face. She took the journal pages off him and placed them down, she'd get a chance to read them later, she was still trying to figure out what to do with him. She was certainly not going to send him to the ministry; she just couldn’t do that to him, after hearing what he had gone through.

A soft smile begun to creep through her lips as she lifted her hand and pointed to the hot chocolate.
"You can start by drinking that, have you eaten at all today?" she asked, wondering how he survived for so long, he looked like he needed a little more meat on his bones. She casually moved her arm, her hand directed at his things and with a flick of her wrist; she silently ordered his things to be sent up to the spare bedroom near her room.
"I won’t let you disappear again, I’m not as strong as I was back then," well she probably was a lot stronger than she gave herself credit, but she had never been put in a situation like that again.
"I've sent your things to one of the spare bedrooms. You can stay here until you get back on your feet so to speak, but on one condition, you can’t go to the ministry," she informed him, straightening her back, "Oh and this doesn’t mean I forgive you...yet. Forgiveness will come with time."

[rolandmendraka]

Roland in all honesty was never going to hand himself over to the Ministry as he had used a little of his cunning to actually get her trust back first. Surely, the others would be just as disheartened, and relieved that he's alive. Even if he did create a torrential influence of many memories to come flooding back to the many people he loved, it was hard for him to leave again. Especially since he still had a lot to share with so many other people in his life that had influenced him to make this decision. Nodding to himself that this was the right choice as he knew that Alexis wasn't going to let him be handed over and instead would be under her care to be forgiven. How he would live out his life was up to him, but he had much more explaining on how he survived.

The many lives he had saved in the faces of some of the most ruthless wizards out there that the aurors probably had a chance of running into half-run down with no wand. Roland had stolen each of their wands destroying each in the process rendering them useless, and it didn't help that he paged all of the wand shops by owls about their wand types as well as their cores. Having examined each individual wand after discombulating it into nothing. Even with those many memories having scorched his brain to the point of no return, he was sure that Alexis was his only hope in recovering what he thought was his sanity. All of this madness had been eating at him, and it was obvious that after having killed someone he had much time to think about his actions.

Looking down at his hands, he wondered how Alexis really felt about having him in the house, but it was her choice if she trusted him or not. "No I haven't had much to eat in the last few hours, since I've been traveling a lot. You would not believe how easy it is to make money when you're not restricted by government officials telling you what to do. Of course, I'm willing to give most of my money to you to help out if you need it at all, don't worry, I don't expect to pay my debt that way. I know I need to at least...get my thoughts oriented and get myself back on my feet mentally. After all, I'm sure you've been through hell without me, but I'm not sure if you'd understand the hell I have been through carrying this burden all alone.

Of course, I was stupid to share it by myself, and I regretted it every single day after I left. I just couldn't bear bring you along and ruining your dreams just so I could pursue my own self-righteous quest for justice. It wasn't fair to you or anyone, sorry, we can stop talking about that now, what do you suggest for food on a mind that has been wallowing in sorrow every year since his brother's death?" he asked her. Tears had flooded his face previously, and now he was sobering up with enough time to give her that genuine smile that she knew fully well. The sparkle in his eyes was still dead, but would return with time.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[lexi]

She figured as much, not eating much whilst on the run, trying to eliminate any possible evidence of being in a spot. She nodded to him before standing up and moving back over to the kitchen. She needed to keep her hands busy. Grabbing the chopping board, she pulled out some chicken from the freezer and with a quick wave of her hand, it was thawed out, now that was something muggles probably wished they could do. Grabbing a sharp knife which she probably shouldn’t be holding with her emotions all confused, she began chopping the chicken into bite sized pieces. With just a thought, a pot and a fry pan flew from the cupboard and onto the stove. She poured water in the pot with magic whilst grabbing mushrooms and onion and chopping them up. He continued speaking and she froze. Did he just say what she thought he said; give her most of his money if she needed it. Whipping around, her hand she held the knife as she stared at him.
"No," she replied a little too harshly, "No, I don’t need your money. Being the hospital director give a very decent wage. Use that money for yourself." She turned back to her chopping board and chopped ingredients and to the meal she was making.

Oh he could not imagine exactly how hard it had been for her, how many tears she had split and how many times she tried pulling her hair out in frustration. They had both been in hell and yet they were both the same yet different hells. Both had lost a loved one, yet hers had now returned, his could never. Had he ever thought of following his brother into the next life, she wondered.

"Indeed you are," she spoke softly, he was stupid to share the burden on his own, she would have done anything to help him. Damn typical male, always trying to do everything by themselves, she thought as she watched as the cream sauce she was making in the pan form small bubbles on top as he begun heating. She stirred it, adding the cooked ingredients to it. She sighed in relief when he asked to stop talking about it. Too much had already been said and she wondered how she was going to remember it all. But at least his next question was easy.
"Creamy chicken and mushroom pasta," she replied. What if he didn’t like pasta, or mushrooms? Maybe she should have waited. Well if he was hungry enough, he'd eat it.
"It's simple but filling," she added, waving her hand to drain the cooked pasta over the sink. It was simple, she thought as she grabbed a plate and a food container and begun dishing out the pasta and sauce, placing the lid on the container to let it cool before sticking it in the fridge. With yet another wave of her hand, everything began self cleaning. Picking up the plate and grabbing a fork, she headed over to him, placing the plate down on the table, the fork sitting beside it.
"I'll cook something better tomorrow night," she spoke as she pulled her chair closer to him, before sitting down again.

[rolandmendraka]

Roland was tired of the same drama having occurred over and over, even as he had lived out many various forms of his own hells. Sure, theirs happened to coincide, but right now he was about to say something in return when he felt his stomach let out a loud growl. If a sweat drop could have appeared on his head then, like in usual cartoons, it would have, but he just shrugged it aside. Living on his own had been easier than he'd like to admit, but the pang of missing everyone had certainly created an emotional hole. Roland couldn't remember exactly how to have a proper conversation without actually getting into an argument with someone.

It was nice that Alexis actually cared enough to let him back into her life, but something seemed a little off about that to him. Normally, he would have expected her to toss him out just as soon as he had appeared on her front door step revealing who he was. There was still some hope for him yet, even as he had watched her make the stew with her own hands, and then started to examine the way she moved towards him. Raising an eyebrow at the hospitality she was suddenly giving him, but he shrugged away his concerns even as he really didn't care what he ate at this time. Time would just tick by, and he was content on being fed like a child for now.

Roland closed his eyes, and bowed politely, this was something he hadn't done in a long time either. Having to actually remember table manners instead of whorfing the whole thing down since he knew it was hot and Alexis usually made great dishes. "Thank you, Alexis, this is delicious, and you did great on it either way," he complimented her, giving her that genuine smile. A hint of a sparkle having returned to his eyes a little as he had remembered when she had made a meal for him back before he left. Suddenly, that memory triggered the others to just crawl into his head at once of the many times they shared together back at Hogwarts when he had been around.

Just keeping those memories to himself for now, as he wanted to hug Alexis again, but it would be a while until she let him into her heart again.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

[lexi]

The director for St Mungo's ran a hand through her brown locks as she sighed, how was she ever going to get to sleep with all the information he had given her, heck she doubted she'd be able to sleep with him in the house. All she wanted to do was rewind the clock, take them back to when they were teenagers before he disappeared on her and his friends. She couldn’t have done something to stop him, prevented him from going along, anything to get him to stay and not have to kill those wizards who killed his brother. If only she could change so many events and it had crossed her mind a few times. What if she used a time turner and altered the past? As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t. She knew the risks that could happen if she changed a single thing in the past and she didn’t want to jeopardise her job because of it. Besides he had left her, not the other way around, why should she change his past to mess up her future? She liked the way her life turned out, well the only thing she would have changed was having him in constantly in her life.

A faint blush crept up to her cheeks as he complimented her cooking. She hadn’t cooked for anyone but herself and the few occasions where her family showed up. It was nice to cook for him, it calmed her down and allowed her to think more clearly. Although she wasn’t ready to forgive and trust him at least she had made a start, that was all he could ask for.
"Its nothing really," she tried brushing it off by being modest. She knew she wasn’t the best cook, but thanks to her mother at least she could. She knew quite a few healers who although great at their jobs were absolutely hopeless in the kitchen. She lost count of the number of times she smelt burnt toast wafting through the hospital corridors.

So where did that leave them then, she asked herself. If he didn’t want to talk anymore about what he had been up to then that was fine by her, but she felt the silence settle in like a thick blanket and wondered if perhaps she should excuse herself and go to bed, but then she wouldn’t be a good hostess then. An affectionate squawk from her owl made her look at the bird and she couldn’t help but smile, it seemed like the bird knew what she was thinking, of course that was impossible, right?